The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
