can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
