I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
