im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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