she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
