haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
