i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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