remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
