i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
