i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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