My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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