I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
