Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my being single is dangerous.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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