i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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