Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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