I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There r osticjed everywhere
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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