Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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