Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
