shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
