So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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