My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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