Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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