y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
