Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
