I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
