Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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