i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
