Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
