I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
