It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
