We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
