i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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