I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dicks are not precious.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
