I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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