She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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