Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
