he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
