The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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