If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She's the barista slut.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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