I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
