My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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