i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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