I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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