omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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