I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
