If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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