Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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