we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
