So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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