I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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