Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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