So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
