Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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