I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
