Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
