My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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