Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
