I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can I color on your dick again?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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