**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Boobs speak an international language.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
