I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
