I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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