I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
